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Just go away, nobody cares about your drivel.

Selling the old girl 20171124_122152.mp4

Ok...well done and college level essay at that! Probably even advanced level based on the shit I've seen come out of our education system. Our past is our past. We can use it however we want. A force for strength, or a crutch for weakness. The latter is the easiest because our past can be used to line-up the excuses for present and future failures. Using our past as a force for strength is tougher...most don't want to accept, or don't know how to look at wrong decisions and failures as teaching moments to be remembered as we continue on. It's easier to somehow place the blame on someone or something else, when, that's usually not the case. And if it is the case, it's still not productive in life. It sounds like you are making a very important turn in your life. And honestly, it's usually around the mid-20's when that happens for most so, you are on track my man! Keep up the good work, learn and power through the failures and downturns along the way. I think it was a Dale Carnegie quote but I always like this one: After a moment of failure, take the time to be miserable...you've earned it! Do it. Be just miserable and sad. But set a time to stop. Be a wreck for a day, two or even a week. But when the time is up, DONE! Over it. Time to move forward again. I've always found a day works well for me. It's hard to be miserable for longer than that no matter what the setback was. Whew...and like most, I've had some real fucking doozies!!!!!!!! Power on WB!!!!!

Yesterday

Yeah Dan I’m shitty to people but while you’re lecturing everybody about the evils of capitalism and enjoying the fruits of it and fucking around on your wife with some skank and bragging about it I’m working and taking care of my family which includes my wife who is pretty much disabled so before to call me shitty maybe look in the mirror you big mouthed do nothing piece of fuck.

Hell, I'm just relieved I no longer hold the record for the longest post! ....awaiting official results.

Just imagine if the researchers ever saw this place.

There is absolutely no doubt this guy is unfit to be in politics at any level. Yet he will win. I think a political system is broken when people are so afraid of the other side, a man such as this gets a pass. The divide in America was widened by obama and instead of attempting to close that divide, Trump has capitalized on it to gain power and has to keep it there to retain power. It will not get better before it gets worse.

I wrote this as I was becoming more active on here, and I know nobody gives a shit probably, but I've shared it with friends and family. What I'm writing right now pertains to HCS/FS' roll in this story and I figure I'll probably post that one here because it's relevant... I'm rambling here because I feel like no one wants to read this shit, and it's a story about me being an idiot, but what the fuck did I write it for if I'm not going to put it out there? So fuck it, if you want to lose 10 minutes of your life you'll never get back, here ya go... just don't come asking for your 10 minutes back. For as long as I could remember, I’d been searching for something. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but I could tell it was leaving a path of destruction behind. The destructive path was definitely on my parents’ radar too, “Why is my sweet, bright little boy becoming a terror that gets bad grades?” They did everything they could to help me figure this out. I could tell you all about the group therapy sessions we would refer to as “social skills” and the occupational therapy. I could tell you about the psychiatrist the first prescribed me medication during elementary school, the psychiatrist I started seeing after a high school suicide attempt, or the psychiatrist I see every other week to this day. I could list the education specialists my psychiatrists have worked alongside, or tell you a story about the staff in an adolescent psych ward. None of that is important right now though. What is important here is the one thing they all shared: nothing they did made me feel like I was making progress or gaining any ground. They did a hell of a lot too, and they all told me it would help with my destructive lifestyle. The education specialists said I had “poor visual spatial skills”. This diagnosis helped to explain my handwriting and fine motor function difficulty. It also explained why I legit sucked at math. Then they’d hype me up with my verbal scores. “We can use this to compensate for that”, which seemed like it was always a part of the treatment plan. But the plan never worked. What was most unhelpful to me, was my parents “just do it” type of attitude towards fixing my problems. What, do you guys think I’m not trying over here? Do you think I wanted to flunk out of community college? I know it sucked, but if it had ever been that simple we never would have ended up here in the first place. More times than I care to remember in middle and high school I’d hear, “Ben, all you need to do to improve your grades is start completing your homework.” It would get me mad because I knew they were right, but I had no idea how to fix it and I hated myself for that. I knew I wasn’t lazy, I knew I wasn’t stupid, but I also knew I had the grades and work habits of someone who was both. But why? Why was I doing these things that made me hate myself? So on went the search... High school was a wild ride. Even though I tried to kill myself in the middle of it, I still look back on it as four of the best years of my life. Something was definitely still wrong, but I was too busy being a crazy emo kid to pinpoint it and correct the problem. The first break in the case came in the aftermath of my first real breakup. I was dumped via text message the night before our 1st anniversary. I remember because I purchased all of the ingredients and decorations to make a “Happy 1st Anniversary” cake. This was shortly before the end of my first semester of college; the only semester I can remember getting good grades. I took that break up hard and came out the other side a different person with a better understanding of my relationship with the world around me. I wrote a page long meditation on the constancy of change in order to explain a concept I had come to understand. A concept I would soon learn to call the absurd. When I saw that concept in Camus’ philosophy I dove in. Camus’ works brought forth the idea that individuals should embrace the absurdity of the human condition, while defiantly exploring and searching for the meaning of life. I knew Absurdism was going to play a big role in finding what I was looking for. I wasn’t wasn’t sure what it meant to defiantly search for the meaning of life, but I knew for damn sure the world was Absurd and life was inherently meaningless. Unfortunately, this wild search for something I could not describe or prove existed also took focus off of my schooling. My grades began to drive head first, just like in high school. By this time, school had been a perpetual cycle of, “I’ll do better next semester” for roughly 10 years. I saw the writing on the wall and decided to drop out of college. This didn’t help, as I was also becoming an alcoholic before I’d even turned 22. I had been self medicating and recreationally using marijuana for several years, dabbled in psychedelics, and experimented with various other drug use. But I never got hooked on anything. Not until I turned 21. Booze became readily available and an unfortunate arrest forced me to give up marijuana. The following six years would be a dark spiral. As it turned out, dropping out of college was only the start. With no ambition and no degree, my career opportunities were limited. I knew it too. I knew I was going nowhere, and had no idea where I needed to go or how the hell to get there. Something was still following me around, forcing me to leave that path of destruction. Meanwhile, I tried existing in other relationships. The relationship I had been in for 6 years crumbled around us over the course of 2 or so years because I couldn’t find, control, or fix whatever this thing was. During that 2 year period, I devolved into behavior that, in retrospect, can only be described as emotional abuse. At the time I justified the behavior by believing I too, was being victimized. In my head we were fighting, whilst in reality I was the one spiraling out of control. The spiral eventually broke me. I stopped searching. I gave up. I fell apart. I was suicidal but I knew that wasn't the answer. I was starting to think there might not even be an answer. I decided the only way to stop hurting the person I loved was to push them away and then dove headfirst into a rebound. I foolishly thought it was going great, and for a while, I felt great. I had ended a cycle of violence, came to terms with my sexuality, and was quitting smoking. Still I could feel it creeping back up. Something still wasn’t right and I needed to start searching again. I wasn't sure how to start, but I figured if I wasn't going to kill myself I couldn't just slowly drink myself to death either. I also knew I didn't have the willpower to stop on my own. So I did something I hadn't done in years. I told my psychiatrist the truth. I started going more often, tweaked the dosages of my meds, and started taking a medication that would make me sick if I drank. No one quite knew how to respond. “So you’re quitting drinking… so... you’re an alcoholic?” was a common question. “For a month yeah, and yeah I am, but then I’m going to stop taking the medication and see what happens.” When you quit drinking and the withdrawals subside, sometimes you get random bouts of happiness that just hit you out of the blue. In these moments I would desperately try to reinforce the idea that I was in a great place, but I could never quite believe myself. Then in the middle of the month I stopped taking the medication for a couple of days to see how long it took before one beer would stop turning my face bright red. I knew this was stupid and completely against the no drinking for a month plan, but the need to search told me I should figure out how long it took the medicine to wear off. Why though? This was a bad decision. Why was I so compelled to make it? I couldn’t justify it, but I did it anyway. The answer I found was 3 days, and I started taking the medication again until 3 days before the month was out. I had planned this month long break to end on a special craft beer event figuring I’d get drunk in celebration. I went, had a few beers, and started drinking seltzer content with a slight buzz. Things seemed to be going swimmingly, until a realization blindsided me. I wasn't actually in love with the girl that I thought I'd fallen in love with. This was definitely an ill thought-out rebound. I was still reeling from the last breakup. This was all so terribly confusing. My gut ached. I felt like I was in a daze for a week. “Shit shit shit, what the fuck have you done?” I kept asking myself. I pushed away someone I was still in love with by telling her I needed space to see what would happen with this new girl. I thought what happened was that I found something new that was going to better myself. How could I have been so wrong? Eventually I concluded that however it happened, I needed to try to make it right. I had no choice but to tell this girl I wasn’t in love with her anymore; that I was going through a very difficult emotional time and we just couldn’t be together. Man that felt like a dick move, but it wasn’t. The dick move was dragging her into this stupid search in the first place. I knew I was onto something though. At work, I had recently took responsibility for the fact that I was a shitty co-worker and had made big improvements to my self image. I had to use this as a teaching moment for myself. I felt so close but I saw the wave of destruction that always followed me, growing as I got closer. I needed to find what I had been searching for, or I was going to keep behaving in a way that I was becoming increasingly aware of, was unacceptable. So I decided to follow through with dumping the new girl. I felt like a terrible person for it, but I couldn’t just lead her on and hope I’d actually fall in love with her like I thought I had been. The night I was weighing over all this I was at a bar drinking more than I should have been. My ex shows up. I’m drunk and emotional and I stop her on her way out to spill my guts. “I still love you! I’ll never treat you like that again!” I cried out. But she was angry, I could tell, but I told her to take as much time as she needed to process it and I that knew she owed me nothing. Not even two days later I couldn’t take it anymore. “Are you ever going to tell me what you think of what I said?” The pangs were stronger than ever. I could feel the emptiness like a pit in my chest. I needed to find whatever was going to fill that void and I needed it bad. The search had reached a frenzy, and I had loss sight of the path of destruction. I was in for a wake up call. It felt like a slap in the face the first time I heard it come from her mouth; “You were emotionally abusive.” Could she be serious? “I know that we fought a lot and I would yell and that would hurt you, but you were hurting me too! A fight is a mutual thing, you have to take responsibility for this too”, I would claim. Still, she insisted I was emotionally abusive. I mean, of course she would insist. She had always insisted the problems with everyone at work were my fault too. Oh shit, those problems were my fault! Could this have been too? Could I really have been emotionally abusive toward her? What the hell does it mean if I was? I mean that’s the kind of label you write someone off for having, right? I was in a daze again. My gut began to ache again, and I was asking myself these kinds of questions all day, every day. My drinking started creeping up, while defense mechanisms were at the ready, and then it hit me. There’s no other way to describe what happened: I was emotionally abusive. That, however, does not necessarily imply that I am abusive. Coming to understand this was one of the craziest three to four weeks of my life. My outlook on the world around me completely changed alongside my increased energy levels, and my mood lifted. It was amazing. I learned to stop hating myself. Stop thinking of myself as broken. Stop searching for something more and focus on what is, because that is enough. When I came out on the other side, the need to search was gone. The pit in my stomach slowly went away. The constant anxiety became manageable. The fall back into drinking ended after another stint of the anti-drinking medication. In place of these toxic cycles I felt something new, something wonderfully different. Could it be? Could I have found it? I still wasn’t even sure what it was. I knew I had learned to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, and I was practicing reminding myself of those consequences before the actions happened. I was learning what triggered my negative thought patterns and rooting it out. The positive change was significant and swift. What had I found? I mean it sounded like a cheesy story about finding myself when I ran over it in my head, but I’d always known myself, I just hated that person. Then it clicked. By taking personal responsibility and learning to love myself I had finally found my place in the world. My role in the society I’ve been fighting with my whole life. Except in this fight, society is the abuser and anyone who challenges it better be ready for a fight. I couldn’t believe it. Those damn education experts from my childhood had been right, my visual spatial skills are trash. I’m bad at figuring out where things belong, and now that I had, it was time to put my verbal skills to use. So here I am. Sitting in my cozy spot in this crazy, absurd world writing this story. I still hold Camus’ Myth of Sisyphus and absurdism dear to my heart. Goodness knows where I’d be if I hadn’t been assigned to read that essay, or if I hadn’t picked it up over and over when time got tough. It was a roadmap for the search, and it will be a roadmap for the coming journey. Camus’ explanation of suicide, as essentially rage-quitting, saved my life multiple times. I deeply connected with nearly everything in the book. Except for one thing; I didn’t quite get how to imagine Sisyphus happily “rolling his rock”. In the story, the rolling of the rock symbolizes the struggle that is associated with a meaningful life. I understood what Camus meant when he said, “the struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart.” Yet, my heart had never felt full and I definitely knew I was struggling. Now, my heart feels full. Now, I don’t feel like I’m struggling as much. But I know I must struggle if I want to reach the heights. The old me wasn’t rolling the rock up the hill at all. The old me was sitting at the bottom of the mountain resting up against the rock flipping off the gods. The problem with that is that it isn’t actually an option. Sisyphus would be bored and miserable if he just sat there and did nothing all day! It would get him nowhere! There’s only one thing to do, so he must do it and in knowing he has no other choice, that he is doing it for himself. That is where his spite lies, THAT is his scorn! Eureka! Taking responsibility for your actions doesn’t have to be painful, in fact, it is freeing. With the old habits and defense mechanisms dissolving around me, I realized there was nothing left to do but DO. I got back into making music, I stopped hiding from the politics and social justice I had cared so much about, and now I’m giving a shot at getting back into writing. Life can be really scary and really messed up sometimes, and we’ve all done some fucked up shit. The key is to take responsibility for the fact that it was fucked up, accept the consequences, and whatever you do, DO NOT avoid the feelings of those consequences. Those feelings are your guide, your motivation, and your key to breaking the cycle. Only when you stop avoiding them can you learn to stop the behaviors that create them in the first place.

Moore is going down. He’s only up 6000 votes with only cities remaining to be counted. Fucking pedo.

Only some videos will post on this forum. From Facebook First you double click on the video and open it in its own window. Next you right click on the video to show the video URL. Next you copy the url Next you paste the url in the normal text box in you reply. Just like you would any other URL. If the URL will post on freedom sledder the FS program will automatically format the video and it will embed in your post before you submit. If the video won't embed it will just show up as a text/character line and won't automatically turn into a video before you submit the post. Hope this helps.

You sound like a fucking retard you rice eating yellow turd

Picked it up saturday. And its been snowing since

Finally picked the new ride up. And promptly 3 nights of minimal sleep in a row due to snow as a reward lol.

It's not as easy when your Dad had Johnson sleds ........ no one wants to say , riding the old man's Johnson ......

X2 , what a self absorbed ass Danny can be at times . I dunno why , but I've always liked this kid Good read , WB , keep on keepin on , bro

Its your gift man, chase it. I think you have earned a lot of respect from many here in the past few days.

You are very well spoken Ben. You just might have a gift with your writing. You may never get rich putting your ideas and feelings into words but the self reward will more than make up for that. Thanks for posting.

Fairly accurate.

@SSFB can you ban that goddamn faggot from the meme thread only? Im trying to laugh my ass off and that faggot keeps fuckin it up. K thanks!

Poor Ben.

You calling me a shitty person is me being an asshole got it. You’re still a philandering piece of shit. Hey everybody look how cool I am cheating on my wife but don’t ever bring it up because it’s personal! What a fucking putz.

We are starting to get some decent snow in the trees.

“By some fascist defending the oligarchy”. Just stfu for once.

Quite the read... Glad you are able to see what was and is going on and use it to continually strive to better yourself! Brave man for posting here.. But I see the responses seem genuine and positive for the most part even though this stuff makes us all feel a little uncomfortable when reading!!

You are a good guy Vince and a hard worker. The only time you are particularly sensitive is when someone brings up cats short comings. Otherwise a great guy

Good read, WB. I wish you all the best! Don't be surprised if what you have revealed here gets used against you in the future by some fascist trying to defend oligarchy.

No one has ever described me as being sensitive and I would be lying if I said I understood the tough times you went through, but I do understand an honest assessment of one's self and taking taking personal responsibility for one's actions both good and bad, it appears you have arrived there WB and that's a great thing for you and your loved ones. Congratulations on your escape from the fog and into the light

Well said, WB. Life's full of funny (and not so funny) twists. Looks like you've figured out your own way to cope and enjoy.

Had an Old GF that loved to ride the ol' Johnson.....

A few inches of new snow.

America “was great at the time when families were united — even though we had slavery” I can tell you. It means that black people were not committing 65% of the violent crime in the country when they were slaves. was it because the black family unit had not been broken down, or simply due to them being enslaved. I suggest it is partly both, but mostly them being enslaved. Is it racist to simply state a fact? It would seem many think it is. Let's say the welfare state was removed, black men started to take ownership of their actions and raised their kids, would the terrible statistics that clearly show black males are tribalistic animals that commit violent crimes at a rate of ten times that of the white male, perhaps come more in line with what would be average? Or do they need to be enslaved once again to stop the insanity of what are known as super predators (young black men). I say we try cutting the welfare strings first, force them to stand on their own and give them a real shot at equality, if that fails, back to the cotton fields. Vote for Judge Roy.

Damn....that sucks but the picture is awesome! That's the reason he was so hard nosed on the track because he came up the hard way and I'm guessing 2,425 bucks was a fortune to him...most of these guys today are coddled in comparison.

Oh, spot on translation then

when it is done while saying America was last great, which is to say it has not been great since, when slavery was the norm, yes it is full on hatred.

To whom was this directed? If it is at me, you missed the point of this post altogether.

Just another social conservative who views the past thru rose colored glasses.

Let me be clear...F U C K Y O U A N D T O M B R A D Y . . .

A Patriots fan is standing next to me...his tears are like fine wine! Fuck all Patriots fans!

I had red hair and freckles. I got made fun of, picked on, punched all that. Bullied? Never thought of it that way. Buncha sallies.

You already look dead.

Umm no. This.

Sorry kiddies, no snow day for you today.

Pre op yesterday Post op....long day but everything went well.