Today's Joke (informative too)

[XCR1250]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

With trembling hands and read the letter.

 

Dear Dad:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

 

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. 
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

 

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

Get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love, Your Son John

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

 

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

 

I love you.

 

Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

 

 

This is why you  should  listen to your Doctors instructions.

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back,  where the 
Pharmacists’ high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

 

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said,   "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?"

 

Seeing a senior citizen,  the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

 

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished,  I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

 

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, HELL NO!!!"

 

I said, "Oh, thank God!  That's a real relief!   My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist  test my urine for sugar!"

 

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

 

[XCR1250]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.


Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a
truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away.


           KABOOM!


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


          KA- BLOOEY!


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


         BULLS-EYE!


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!"


 

 

[ckf]

[XCR1250]

Old Timers Sex 

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 


'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

 

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation

and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. 

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...


Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. 

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises 

and moaning and screaming. 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, 

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

 

Edited December 14, 2016 by XCR1250

[XCR1250]

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future…!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[XCR1250]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me

;

do you have any widdle wabbits?"
 

The shop keeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says,

 

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy,bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . .

 

"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuck.."

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

 

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

 

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Rose, who's the cook.

 

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."

 

He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

 

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,

 

"Rose, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

 

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,  "Are you kiddin me, I didn't know Rose worked here !"

 

[XCR1250]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[XCR1250]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job  was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with,

have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other

workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an

envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and

the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my

friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

[XCR1250]

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

 

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from

time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well,

two days ago, this happened to me.

 

I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by red wine and single malt shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

 

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

 

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it

past and I arrived home safely without incident.

 

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where

I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

 

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

 

Merry Christmas and be safe out there…

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[XCR1250]

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT

ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're
kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches, but ... when you’re over seventy ............... who cares?

[Sael]

Thanks for the daily jokes. I look forward to them.

[Frostynuts]

I enjoy reading them as well. Thanks for the laughs.

[XCR1250]

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR¦

 

WIFE:  "There is trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor."

 

HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous "

 

WIFE:  "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

 

HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  I'll check it out.

 

Where's the car?

 

WIFE: "In the pool".

 

[XCR1250]

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

 

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

 

That's scary.  It means 75% are running around untreated...

 

[XCR1250]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decided to buy her a cell phone.  He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

 

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

 

The next day Meg went shopping.  Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

 

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

 

Meg replied, "I just love it!  It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

 

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

 

Edited January 6, 2017 by XCR1250

[XCR1250]

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club. 
  

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?" 
 
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.

 

"Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league..."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. 
 

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" 
 
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." 
 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" 

Vern's wife, now furious, 
grabs her purse and
storms out of the club. 
 
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her. 
 
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. 
 
The cabby turns around and says, 
 
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.' 
 
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00 PM

 

[ckf]

[Ez ryder]

[XCR1250]

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE¦

 

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

 

Then he made the earth round... and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

How to wash a cat
This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl....

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You
may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[XCR1250]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.  While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he
would be a witness,
because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to
catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there
is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.  The
husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, “Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account
each month.
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.  He
looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold.'

 

[XCR1250]

ACTS 2:38 Conceal Carry and an Intruder

 

You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.

 

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38 !' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

 

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

 

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

 

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

 

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. *'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'*

 

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember:

*Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one