ckf Posted September 4, 2016 Share Posted September 4, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Share Posted September 5, 2016 You have to love the Irish perspective. At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery', asked the couple? 'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?It's only 25 cents!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 15, 2016 Author Share Posted September 15, 2016 Being nervous and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. , "I haven't got an erection," I replied "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ..................... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArcticCrusher Posted September 15, 2016 Share Posted September 15, 2016 Or Toronto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 16, 2016 Author Share Posted September 16, 2016 . Nobody made you keep reading. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momorider Posted September 16, 2016 Share Posted September 16, 2016 love it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in La Crosse, Wisconsin and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.’ So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.” "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!” The teacher left the room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momorider Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Its always the wisdom of little Johnny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 . A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Share Posted September 30, 2016 Hilary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, “you killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!” She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.” "I had just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 God's plan for aging Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath. Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Old #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8 Life is sexually transmitted. #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing. #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver-black> gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more> skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and shoved her in. "Now Tell him you have a headache..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 As his final request, Arnold Palmer has suggested that the golf term "bad lie" would be more descriptive if called .......... "A Hillary." Today, the PGA has honored Arnold's request and officially approved "A Hillary" in the lexicon of golf terms. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 Hillary Clinton called Bill Clinton into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!" "Great,, but how?" asked Bill. "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?" "Yes we are!" said Hillary, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, Lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads. Finally, Hillary asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come In and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?" "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever In here with two assholes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 . A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R!We missed the bloody R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,"The word was .... CELEBRATE!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington , DC that included Bill Clinton. Bill quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Bill Clinton and I hope you'll vote Hillary in the next election. She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 Welfare Question When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan , India , Iran, Iraq or other Arab countries, what does that Government give you? Answer - A map of Minnesota! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 11, 2016 Author Share Posted October 11, 2016 Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes - $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion." The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: Two Fallen Angels seeking Peter---$50 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 15, 2016 Author Share Posted October 15, 2016 I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age? I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.' When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!” Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.' The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...' Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy, old tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old buzzard!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom." She didn't jump. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. • I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. • Take my advice — I'm not using it. • My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. • Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were. • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. • Ever stop to think and forget to start again? • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. • He who laughs last thinks slowest. • Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? • Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. • I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. • I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep • If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted October 30, 2016 Author Share Posted October 30, 2016 Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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