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Today's Joke (informative too)


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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.  "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"

“But, enough about me.  How are you doing?"

 

 

 
 
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts?  You are 80 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
 
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So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore.  The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in to see what a Muslim bookstore looked like on the inside.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the raghead clerk gave me the “Stink Eye”, but finally asked if he could help me.
I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens? ”
The clerk said, “Kiss My Ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”
I immediately said, “Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”

 

 

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A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't. believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.  Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville,
he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States
and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be.
 

 
 
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11 hours ago, XCR1250 said:
A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't. believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.  Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville,
he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States
and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be.
 

 
 

Fuck me that is a good one :lol: 

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HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT



Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill
 and is spending her first night alone in 
the White House. She has waited
 several years for this!!
 
FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly!
The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, 
"How can I best serve my country?" 
 

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
 
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
 
 

SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...?
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"



Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
 
"Ohhh! I really really don't want to do that."
 
 

THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears...?
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" 
 


Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

 
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A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me
how a patient isdoing?"
 
The operatorsaid,

"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and
room number of thepatient?"
 
The grandmother in her weak, tremulousvoice said,
Mary Findlay, Room 302."
 
The operator replied, 
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the
nurse's station for thatroom."
 
After a few minutes, the operator returned to
the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that
Mary is doing well. Herblood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her
to be discharged tomorrow."
 
The grandmothersaid,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good
News."
 
The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Mary your daughter?"
 
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Mary Findlay
in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
 
 
 
 
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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

 

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees."

 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

 

"NAH," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Old age ain't for wimps....but it beats dying young.

 Two medical students were walking along the campus street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old guy has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the med students said to him….

 "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

 The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

 

 

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Subject: Fw: How to get rid of ants
 
 

  
 
Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint. 

 
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.
 
Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
 
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

 

 

 
 

 
Edited by XCR1250
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When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. Promise me you will never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
 
 
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
 
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but thought, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. And since I know he is addicted to sex, three times is not too bad.”
She said, ”OK Bill, I guess I can forgive you.” Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?”
He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."
 
 


 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
 

 
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Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
 
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
 
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
 
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
 
Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
 
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Historic election

 

So, no matter who gets elected this November, it will be an historical moment:

 

If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. Presidents have slept with each other.

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

    
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

 

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

 

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

 

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.


 
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

 

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