Today's Joke (informative too)

[Capt.Storm]

[ArcticCrusher]

This topic needs its own dedicated thread.

[Capt.Storm]

For what it's worth I concur!

Edited June 9, 2016 by Capt.Storm

[XCR1250]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton Go Ice Fishing…

How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?

With an ice fishing contest, of course!

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!

That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!

That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!


<

 

[XCR1250]

An elderly couple made a deal that
whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after
death. Their biggest fear was that there was no "after life" at all.
 

After a long life together, Frank was
the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can
you hear me?  

 

"Is that you, Frank?

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have
sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again,
bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have
lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf
course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.

 

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?

 

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in
Arizona."

 

 

[XCR1250]

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair,  he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
  
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
  
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? 
 
I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and  going on with  his life."
  
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
 
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began  dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
 
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
 
He said, "I'm NOT happy, My balls itch."
 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

DO I NEED SENSITIVITY TRAINING?

 

 

1) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

2) The witfe suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's 'Kathy.'

 

3) Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

4) My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!  You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

5) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

6) A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

 

7) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." Then the fight started.

 

8) My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

9) The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

 

10) I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for an African orphan. I said, "Hell no! With my luck I'd win one!"

 

 

[XCR1250]

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair,  he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
  
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
  
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? 
 
I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and  going on with  his life."
  
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
 
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began  dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
 
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
 
He said, "I'm NOT happy.
 

My balls itch."
 

[XCR1250]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ft4iBre10ww?rel=0&autoplay=1

Edited June 21, 2016 by XCR1250

[favoritos]

Reminds me of B Hill. 

[XCR1250]

 

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...
4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...
2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...
9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR BUTTS...
2 FLAG BURNERS...
AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME.  .

 

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

 

[XCR1250]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[ckf]

[XCR1250]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven.  The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was
going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
But her lover was nowhere in sight.. I immediately began searching for
him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips!  The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped
on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it,
he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die.  This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get

my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought
of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in .

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem.

But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th
floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of
pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I
got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the
side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke
my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me.

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very
well,"  the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets
Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell
me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator......"

 

[XCR1250]

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

 

·        Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

 

·        How to prepare tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some meat.

 

·        I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

 

·        I don't mean to brag but...I finished my 14-day diet in three hours and 20 minutes.

 

·        A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

 

·        Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

 

·        Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

 

·        Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school?  Me neither

 

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented...I forgot where I was going with this.

 

·        I love being over 70. I learn something new every day...and forget five others.

 

·        A thief broke into my house last night...he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
 
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
 
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex... * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
 
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
 
And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[XCR1250]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

 

 

 

 

[Zambroski]

5 minutes ago, XCR1250 said:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

Wife - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!”
>
> Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear
> the reason.”
>
> Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !”
>
> Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the
> Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the
> Button. ..... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age
> struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's
> offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was
> headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy
> me a beer.

> She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer
> turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to
> each other.

> Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps
> from our table.

> She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.
> Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ...... the talking
> stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It
> must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock
> says5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and
> here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.”
>
> Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!

 

 

[XCR1250]

Oral Sex Survey Results    5000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.                        1% LIKED THE WARMTH,                        2% LIKED THE SENSATION,                       3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,                       94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.

 

[XCR1250]

DEAR AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No-one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers!
What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.  
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, 
hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants 
wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry
would see record  revenues.

This is definitely a win - win  situation if we handle it right -- a golden 
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Donald Trump

 

[XCR1250]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

 

[XCR1250]

This is something that happened at an assisted living center 

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't 

show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. 

She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

 

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs 

but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. 

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. 

So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. 

 

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. 

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. 

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.

During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

 

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

 

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

 

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

 

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

Here she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." 

 

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,

stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

 

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

 

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 

 

[XCR1250]

 

  Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

  seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones, they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.