Today's Joke (informative too)

[XCR1250]

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.   If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?   Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?   And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?   Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?   How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker did check peckers?   What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?   Want to guess their motto ...........???   "If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,  new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes  I'm half blind,  can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,  take 40 different medications that  make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation;  hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85, or 92.  Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,  I still have my driver's license

[XCR1250]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
so I got my doctor's permission to 
join a fitness club and start exercising. 
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, 
by the time I got my leotards on, 
the class was over.

 

[XCR1250]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

 

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that I asked?  It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.  As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

 

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'  We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?' 

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

A young woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

 

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

 

"Actually, yes I do," she answered.

 

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

 

"No. I rather like it," she responded.

 

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care to not get pregnant.”

 

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

 

"Of course," the doctor replied.   "Where do you think people like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson, or Al Sharpton came from?" 

 

 

[XCR1250]

Ole went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box that served as his abode.

 

Ole took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “ Would you like to go to St. Clement’s with me today? We can sing some hymns together.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

 

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
“ How about going to church with me to receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask the bug once again; this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?”

Finally, a small voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time; I'm putting
on my shoes." 
 

 

 

[XCR1250]

How to wash a cat
This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl....

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You
may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind
the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and
'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog


 

 

[XCR1250]

 

A keen golfer was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife was teeing up on the woman's  tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.... A few days later,  he got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Golfer: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her butt."

Golfer: "Was it a Titlist 3 ??

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Golfer: "That was my provisional.

 

 

[XCR1250]

One out of every 4 people suffer from a Mental condition, look at your 3 closest friends, if they seem okay, then it's you.

[XCR1250]

 

This is why you (a Senior?) should  listen to your Doctors instructions.

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back,  where the 
Pharmacists’ high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

 

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said,   "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?"

 

Seeing a senior citizen,  the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

 

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished,  I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

 

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, HELL NO!!!"

 

I said, "Oh, thank God!  That's a real relief!   My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist  test my urine for sugar!"

 

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

 

[XCR1250]

Is sex work?

 

 

U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

 

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed

to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

 

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"

and how much of it was "pleasure?"

 

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

 

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

 

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure,

depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

 

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded,

"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

 

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

 

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would

have me doing it for them."

 

The room fell silent.

 

God Bless the enlisted man.

[XCR1250]

ITALIAN ALTAR BOY CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell. '
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.  'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to atone.   You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'


 

[XCR1250]

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,

heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

 

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

 

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up

later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared

to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife

would like it!

 

"Oh, come on now," she insisted.She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive

 

I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't likeit."

 

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a

lot better now.

But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fallslightly more open.

"Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

[Woodtick]

[XCR1250]

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,

heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

 

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

 

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up

later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared

to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife

would like it!

 

"Oh, come on now," she insisted.She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive

 

I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't likeit."

 

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a

lot better now.

But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fallslightly more open.

"Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."

[XCR1250]

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says,

“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
..

The Marine looks at the man and says,

“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man says,

“Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,

“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

The Marine again tells the man,

“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanks him and again walks away.

On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,

“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,

“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,

“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

“See you tomorrow, Sir!”

[ckf]

[XCR1250]

 

 

---

 

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 7, 2017 by XCR1250

[XCR1250]

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

[XCR1250]

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

 

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

 

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.  All three died so a someone like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country.  If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
  

[XCR1250]

Your job in life is very dependent on how you perceive  and describe it. This was brought home to me the other night when I talked to on old friend of mine on the telephone and asked him what he was doing. 

 

He replied that he was working on a project involving the aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel, in a highly constrained environment. I was quite impressed.

 

Upon further inquiry however, I found out he was washing the dinner dishes under his wife's supervision.

 

=

[XCR1250]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't F*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[XCR1250]

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.


Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.



Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.




4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.



Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.





Call spouse in from the garden.



6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.



Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.



7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.


Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.



Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw



9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.



Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.



Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the dang cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.



Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.





14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

 

[XCR1250]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
 
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Lutherans watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,
 

'If the car starts,  . . . I'm turning Catholic.'

 

 

[XCR1250]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs .  . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is."

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."