XCR1250 Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation." 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry 976 Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted February 24, 2023 Author Share Posted February 24, 2023 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted February 25, 2023 Author Share Posted February 25, 2023 A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 25, 2023 Share Posted February 25, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry 976 Posted February 25, 2023 Share Posted February 25, 2023 Bacon & Eggs walk into a bar - - Bartender said "Sorry we don't serve breakfast" A Skeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I'll have a Beer & a Mop. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted February 26, 2023 Author Share Posted February 26, 2023 Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry 976 Posted February 26, 2023 Share Posted February 26, 2023 2 hours ago, XCR1250 said: Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted February 28, 2023 Author Share Posted February 28, 2023 A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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XCR1250 Posted March 2, 2023 Author Share Posted March 2, 2023 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Guest Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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XCR1250 Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted March 4, 2023 Author Share Posted March 4, 2023 Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted March 7, 2023 Author Share Posted March 7, 2023 A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted March 8, 2023 Author Share Posted March 8, 2023 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XCR1250 Posted March 9, 2023 Author Share Posted March 9, 2023 I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Platinum Contributing Member steve from amherst Posted March 9, 2023 Platinum Contributing Member Share Posted March 9, 2023 Tonto and the lone ranger are riding thru the dessert. The lone ranger gets off his horse to take a piss. Whips it and and snap , a fucking rattler bites his dick. He looks over at Tonto and tells him , quick, ride into town and ask the doctor what to do. Tonto rides into town and explains to the doctor that the lone ranger got bit by a rattlesnake. So the doctor tells him he has to take where the bite is and suck all the vennom out of it . because if he dosnt the lone ranger is going to die. So Tonto rides back out to the dessert. As he rides up the lone ranger asks him , So did ya find the doctor. Tonto says yes, The lone ranger asks , well what did he say. Tonto replies , he said your going to die. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SHADOSPRIT Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 (edited) Little Jonny is in class, teacher says were gonna do our ABC's. I'll say a letter you pick a word and then spell it.....Teacher says "A", Jonny raises his hand, she thought cant call on him he will say ass. She picks Sue, Sue says apple and spells it. Teacher moves to B, then C, then D and so on. Jonny raises his hand to all of them, but the teaches knows better. Teacher finally gets to "R" thinks to herself...I think this one is safe, Jonny you can take this one. Jonny says rat, R-A-T, she says very good Jonny, he says...a rat, a big fucking rat with a cock a mile long!!!!!!!!!!! Edited March 9, 2023 by SHADOSPRIT 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SHADOSPRIT Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 Gentleman dies and St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St Peter says sir, looks to me like you have lived a pretty good life. So there are 3 doors, you are allowed to open each door 1 time, what ever you choose is where you will go for eternity. The man says OK. Goes to the first door, opens it and sees a guy in a recliner, surrounded by big screen televisions with every sport you can imagine. Cases of beer surrounding him, a line of top shelf booze, a grill with the best looking steak he has ever seen and a gorgeous blonde on her knees just going to town on the guy. The gentleman looked at St. Peter and said you messing with me, St. Peter said nope. Guy says I don't even want to look at the other 2 doors. Ill take this one. St. Peter says OK...walk over to the blonde, taps her on the shoulder and says found your replacement you can leave now!!!!!!!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 9, 2023 Share Posted March 9, 2023 16 minutes ago, SHADOSPRIT said: Gentleman dies and St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St Peter says sir, looks to me like you have lived a pretty good life. So there are 3 doors, you are allowed to open each door 1 time, what ever you choose is where you will go for eternity. The man says OK. Goes to the first door, opens it and sees a guy in a recliner, surrounded by big screen televisions with every sport you can imagine. Cases of beer surrounding him, a line of top shelf booze, a grill with the best looking steak he has ever seen and a gorgeous blonde on her knees just going to town on the guy. The gentleman looked at St. Peter and said you messing with me, St. Peter said nope. Guy says I don't even want to look at the other 2 doors. Ill take this one. St. Peter says OK...walk over to the blonde, taps her on the shoulder and says found your replacement you can leave now!!!!!!!!!! If that's heaven , I'm glad I reserved a spot in hell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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