Over 50 to understand

[XCR1250]

 

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably

in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time
between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as
a Tupperware lid the doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to
you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing,"
it does not mean I am free.  It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days,
but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint
and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that
I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells
me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like
a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns
you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.
We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

--

 

[DriftBusta]

  those were pretty good.

[Cold War]

I use the other day one all the time.   Drives the wife nuts.