Medical Exams

[XCR1250]

1. A man comes into the  ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab !' I  grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress and began  to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed  that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the
wrong  one.
 

Submitted by Dr. Mark  Mac Donald, San Francisco
 
 

2. At the beginning of  my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female  patient's anterior chest wall.  ' Big
breaths,'. I instructed.  ' Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the
patient.
 

Submitted by Dr. Richard  Byrnes, Seattle , WA
 
 

3. One day I had to be  the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of  a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard  her reporting to the rest
of the family that he  had died of a ' massive internal fart.'
 

Submitted by Dr. Susan  Steinberg
 
 

4. During a patient's  two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked.
'The patch . . .  the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out  of places to put it! 'I had him quickly undress
and discovered what I  hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca  St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
 
 

5. While acquainting  myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ' How
long have you been  bedridden ?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered . . .' Why, not  for about
twenty years - when my  husband was alive.'
 

Submitted by Dr. Steven  Swanson, Corvallis , OR
 
 

6. I was performing  rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I  asked . . ..' So how's your breakfast this
morning?' ' It's very  good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to  get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied. I then  asked
to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
 

Submitted by Dr.  Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit ,   MI
 
 

7. A nurse was on duty  in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .
It was quickly  determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so
she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that
her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read . . .' Keep  off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed,
the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'
 

Submitted by RN no  name
 
 

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . ..  . . . . . . . . . . . . .
 

8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up
from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?'
She replied with  tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard  .
.'  No doctor, but  the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'