Today's Joke (informative too)

[ckf]

[XCR1250]

You have to love the Irish perspective.

At the  National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife  were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted  3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink  penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having  trouble interpreting the painting and offered his  personal  assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it  depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately  white, patriarchal society. In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery', asked the couple? 'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

 

[XCR1250]

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

 

[XCR1250]

Being nervous and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

 

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

 

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse  told me.

,

"I haven't got an erection," I  replied

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

 

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco  .....................

 

[ArcticCrusher]

Or Toronto.

[XCR1250]

 

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Nobody made you keep reading.

 

 

 

 

[Momorider]

 love it 

[XCR1250]

 

 

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Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in La Crosse, Wisconsin and visited a fourth grade class.  They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.’ So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."  "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.” "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.  "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...  and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!”
  
The teacher left the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Momorider]

Its always the wisdom of little Johnny

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This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.   He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."   I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"   "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."

 

 

[XCR1250]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

[XCR1250]

 

 

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,

running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

Hilary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.   

                

The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up  to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. 

 

She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, “you killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!”  She stayed in the car making phone calls.

 

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

  

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

 

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.” "I had just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

 

[XCR1250]

God's plan for aging

 

Most seniors never get enough  exercise.

 

In His Wisdom God decreed  that seniors become forgetful so  they

would have to search  for their glasses, keys and other  things thus

doing more walking. And God looked down and saw  that it was good.

 

Then God saw there was another  need. In His Wisdom He made seniors

lose coordination so they would  drop things requiring them to bend,

reach & stretch.  And God looked down and saw  that it was good.

 

Then God considered the function  of bladders and decided seniors

would have additional  calls of nature requiring more  trips to the

bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down  and saw that

it was good.

 

 

So if you find as you age, you  are getting up and down more,

remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your  best interest even though

you mutter under your breath.

 

Nine Important Facts to  Remember as You Grow Old

#9

Death is the number 1  killer in the world.

 

#8

Life is sexually  transmitted.

 

#7

Good health is merely the  slowest possible rate at which one  can

die.                     #6

Men have 2 motivations:  hunger and hanky panky, and they can't  tell

them apart. If you  see a gleam in his eyes, make him a  sandwich.

 

#5

Give a person a fish and you  feed them for a day. Teach a person to

use the Internet and they won't  bother you for weeks, months, maybe

years.

 

#4

Health nuts are going to  feel stupid someday, lying in the

hospital, dying of  nothing.

 

#3

All of us could take a  lesson from the weather. It pays no

attention to criticism.

 

#2

In the 60's, people took  acid to make the world weird. Now the

world is weird, and  people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

#1

Life is like a jar of  jalapeno peppers. What you do today  may be a

burning issue  tomorrow.

[XCR1250]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

 She was wearing a loose
 fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing
 his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape
 exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver-black> gorilla.

 Noticing the wife, the
 gorilla went crazy.  He jumped on the bars, and holding on
 with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest
 with his free hand.  He was obviously excited at the pretty
 lady in the pink dress.
  The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was
 funny.

 He suggested: "Now
 maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that
 does."

 She played along and the
 gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake
 the dead.

 The husband then suggested
 she let one of her straps fall to show a little more> skin.

 She did... and the gorilla
 was about to tear the bars down.


 "Now..... show your
 thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

 This drove the gorilla
 absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

 The husband
 smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and
 shoved her in.  "Now Tell
 him you have a headache..."




 

[XCR1250]

As his final request, Arnold Palmer has suggested that the golf term "bad lie" would be more descriptive if called .......... "A Hillary."  

 

Today, the PGA has honored Arnold's request and

officially approved "A Hillary" in the lexicon of golf terms. 

 

[XCR1250]

Hillary Clinton called Bill Clinton into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!"

"Great,, but how?" asked Bill.

 

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

 

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"
"Yes we are!" said Hillary, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color."

 

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, Lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Hillary asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come In and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever In here with two assholes!"

 

 

[XCR1250]

 

 

 

 

 

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is

assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.


 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
 


 
 

He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
 


 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the bloody R!"
 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ....



 
CELEBRATE!"

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

A woman was playing golf  when she took a big swing and fell.

 
The party waiting behind her was a group from   Washington , DC that included Bill Clinton.

 
Bill quickly stepped forward and helped her to her  feet.

 
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,  "I'm Bill Clinton and I hope you'll vote Hillary in the next  election.

 
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head."

 

 

[XCR1250]

Welfare Question   When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan , India , Iran, Iraq or other Arab countries, what does that Government give you? Answer - A map of Minnesota!

[XCR1250]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

 

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

 

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?" 

 

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

 

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

 

 Two Fallen Angels seeking Peter---$50

 

[XCR1250]

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"  

I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn't quite know how to respond.
 

 

Am I getting to be that age?

 

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

 

 
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

 

 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

 

 
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

 

 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'  

 

  

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really good friends.

 

 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 

 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

 

 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The'   and ' IRS ' together it spells   'Theirs...'

 

 

 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 

 

     
 
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

 

 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

 

 
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
 

[XCR1250]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy, old tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes,

and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"

She screamed, "NO!  Bug off you filthy old buzzard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

 

 

[XCR1250]

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
 
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
 
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
 
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
• I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
 
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
• Take my advice — I'm not using it.
 
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
 
• Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
 
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
 
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
 
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
 
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
 
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
 
• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
 
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
• I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
 
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
 
• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

Ken and his wife Edna  went  to the state fair every year, 

And every year Ken would  say, 


'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'  


Edna always replied, 


'I know Ken, but that   helicopter ride is fifty bucks, 


And fifty bucks is fifty   bucks' 


One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,  


'Edna, I'm 75 years old. 


If I don't ride  that  helicopter, I might never get another chance' 

To this,  Edna  replied, 

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and  fifty bucks  is fifty bucks' 


The pilot overheard the  couple and said,  


'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take  the both of you for a  ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire  ride and don't say a word I  won't charge you a penny! 


But if you say one word it's fifty  dollars.' 


Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.  

The pilot  did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was  heard. 


He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, 

But  still not a word... 

When they landed, the  pilot turned to  Ken and said, 

'By golly, I did everything I  could to get you  to yell out, but you didn't. 

I'm impressed!'  

Ken  replied, 

'Well, to tell you the  truth, 

I almost said  something when Edna fell out,  

But you know, 

"Fifty  bucks is fifty bucks!'