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Today's Joke (informative too)


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I stopped at a cafe yesterday and saw on the menu   "blue   plate special "   i ordered it

when she brought the coffee,she had her thumb in the middle of it, I didnt think too much of it

when she brought the soup,she had her thumb in it, I didnt think too much of it

when she brought the plate,she had her thumb in the mashed potatoes NOW im thinking

when she came back I asked    why your thumb in all of my meal ????

she replied   I have arthritis and need to keep it somewhere warm   

I said why dont you stick it your ass

 

She replied             I DO WHEN I"M IN THE KITCHEN

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
 
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
 
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
 
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
"To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!"
Larry
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
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The Proper way to call someone a Bastard  
 
 
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
 
 
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

 They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
 
 
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
 
 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
 
 
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
 
 
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
 
 
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
 
 
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
 
 
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

 The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

 And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.
 
 
 
 
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THE BLACK BRA (AS TOLD BY A WOMAN)
 
I HAD LUNCH WITH 2 OF MY UNMARRIED FRIENDS.
ONE IS ENGAGED, ONE IS A MISTRESS, AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 20+
YEARS.
 
WE WERE CHATTING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND DECIDED TO AMAZE OUR MEN
BY GREETING THEM AT THE DOOR WEARING A BLACK BRA, STILETTO HEELS AND A
MASK OVER OUR EYES. WE AGREED TO MEET IN A FEW DAYS TO EXCHANGE NOTES.
 
HERE'S HOW IT ALL WENT.
 
MY ENGAGED FRIEND :
 
THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY BOYFRIEND CAME OVER HE FOUND ME WITH A BLACK
LEATHER BODICE, TALL STILETTOS AND A MASK. HE SAW ME AND SAID, 'YOU ARE
THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS...I LOVE YOU.' THEN WE MADE PASSIONATE LOVE ALL
NIGHT LONG.
 
THE MISTRESS:
 
ME TOO! THE OTHER NIGHT I MET MY LOVER AT HIS OFFICE AND I WAS WEARING
A RAINCOAT, UNDER IT ONLY THE BLACK BRA, HEELS AND MASK OVER MY EYES.
WHEN I OPENED THE RAINCOAT HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD, BUT HE STARTED TO
TREMBLE AND WE HAD WILD SEX ALL NIGHT.
 
THEN I HAD TO SHARE MY STORY:
 
WHEN MY HUSBAND CAME HOME I WAS WEARING THE BLACK BRA, BLACK STOCKINGS,
STILETTOS AND A MASK OVER MY EYES. WHEN HE CAME IN THE DOOR AND SAW ME
HE SAID,
 
(you are going to love this..)
 
" WHAT'S FOR DINNER, ZORRO?"
 
 
 
 
 
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I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,  "You're kind of cute.  You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
 
 
 
 
 
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Two
nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun
said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening?"
 
The
second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister. But I would not feel
comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the
checkout stand."
 
"I
can handle that without a problem," the other nun
replied. Then she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a
six-pack of beer.
 
"We
use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our nunnery,
we call it catholic shampoo."
 
Without
blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package
of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked
the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "The curlers are on the
house.
"
 
 
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Mujibar of India was trying to get a job.


The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
 

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
 

The manager said,
'You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
 

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'
 

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
 

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
 

 

 

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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are

unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other

signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figure

out a solution.

She writes:
 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night,

if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. 

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my
right breast two times.'


The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have

sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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Little girls asks mom is she can take the dog for a walk around the block. Mom answers the dog is in heat. Little girl asks what's heat and the mom says go ask your dad. Little girl goes in the garage and says to dad that she wants to take the dog for a walk but mom said she was in heat.dad says it's a condition the dog has but give me a second and you can take her. He grabs a rag,soaks it in gas and rubs it on the dog and only go around the block. A little while later the girl returns with only a leash.dad asks Where's the dog. Little girl answers she ran out of gas and another dog is pushing her home

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Navy Homecoming.
 
After a very long deployment at sea, the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at Hampton Roads when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.
 
He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.
 
Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"
 
The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT (FF) and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT (EF)."
 
Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.
 
The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"
 
"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"
 
"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to Eat First!"
 

 
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Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?" 

 

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. 

 

Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 

 

Twenty Five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. 

 

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful. 

 

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. 

 

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. 

 

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died. 

 

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. 

 

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner. 

 

 

 

 

(If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is an extremely high likelihood that you will vote for Hillary.) 

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One  evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start
washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.   Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
 
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
 
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his  drawer. 'What the heck is this?'
he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
'Cathy', he hollered  into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
 
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!  
 
 
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I have one very important question about the whole anti-LGBT bathroom legislation! 
 
Who will pay the Pecker Checker? And how much money will a Pecker Checker make? Do we pay a Pecker Checker by the pecker? 
 
One more question! How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker can check peckers? 
 
And will women have to wear a Vag Badge?  Will we also have to hire a Vag Badge Hag? 
 
Suppose the TSA folks would enjoy doing this for a few extra bucks on their days-off.  They're highly-trained to check things.
 
Or, if things get out of hand, so to speak, we could always outsource the work to PC Restroom Services! Their motto? If you gotta pee, we gotta see! 
 
 
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A guy traveling through  Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home  to NJ but was stopped by the  U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
 
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
 
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..
 
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
 
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
 
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
 
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
 
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Chicago ."
 
Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from  Chicago ?"
 
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

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I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He says "No, why the fluck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
 
 
 
Edited by XCR1250
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Ethel checked into a Motel on her 60th Birthday, she was lonely,and a little depressed about her
advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
 
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
 
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy callinghimself Tender Tony - a very
handsome man with assorted physical skills - flexing in the photo.
 
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs... and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns...
 
She figured; "What the heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call."
 
The voice on the other end of the phone was; "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"  Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
 
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right to the point.
 
"I hear you give a great massage.  I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  I should be honest with you.  I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hot, and I want it now! Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything.  I'm ready!  How does that sound?
 
  He said; "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

 

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I  thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn't say much. 

 

I asked  him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior.  I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

 

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep; I cried.  I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.


 


Husband's  Diary:


 


     
A two-foot putt ... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
 
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A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

  The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.  You need to send someone to my room immediately.  I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

 The man replies, "Listen you idiot.  The window won't open….  that's a maintenance matter."

 
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