Today's Joke (informative too)

[XCR1250]

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,*or *that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,  "They won't let me in without a tie!

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.  With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.

 

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?

 

What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

 

It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb.  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humor!"

 

When the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, the blonde shouts ... "You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

 

 

 

[gen4glock23]

Classical comment from one..

[gen4glock23]

Cap all those asshats.

[gen4glock23]

ROFLMAO

[Mikeadoo]

Love your jokes....keep em coming!

[gen4glock23]

Awesome, will have to remember this one for guys at work.

[XCR1250]

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 
I said "May I have large bills, please". 
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. 
  
IDIOT SIGHTING 
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side. ' 
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS. 

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. 
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing. 'The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From Kansas City 

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask. 'Happened in Birmingham, Ala. 

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS. 

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. 
  
IDIOT SIGHTING 
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.  A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less. 

IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a". 

Leah?? NO 

Lee - A?? NOPE 
Lay - a?? NO   

Lei?? Guess Again. 

This child attends a school in  Kansas City, Mo. 
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."  SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent. 
 

[XCR1250]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.

 

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

 

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

 

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you must have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

 

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

 

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

 

[ckf]

[soupkid]

[XCR1250]

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars”, she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before but decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.

“What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

“I'm making love to my wife!” Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

“Oh, I'm sorry,” says the cop, “I didn't know.”
 

Bubba says, “Well, neither did I til ya'all shined that light in her face.”

 

[XCR1250]

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

 "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

 The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.   She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Fred came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Fred."

 

[ckf]

[XCR1250]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives at the time)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

[XCR1250]

A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."

 

[mach4me]

good one

 

[XCR1250]

Priest's Retirement Speech
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member
of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and
to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the
Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

Thank Goodness we Catholics have a
wonderful sense of humor!   I got my first
impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place.  The very first person who entered my
confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it.  He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled
from his employer; had an affair with his boss's
wife;  had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter
on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several
homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public
nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.  I was
appalled that one person could do so many awful
things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my
people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a
fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his
talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being
late.  He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:

I'll never forget the first
day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician.  In
fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him
for confession.    

 

[XCR1250]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. 
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955. 
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!  
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too! 
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep! 
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Aha! 
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well well! 
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again! 
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
And I just hate that! 
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh Crap! 

 

IT'S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

[soupkid]

What do you call a 90 year old masterbating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miracle whip !!!!.

 

[XCR1250]

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
 
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.  "Could you give me some tips?" he asked.
 
The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
 
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
 
"Sure will."
 
  The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his ..44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
 
  "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

  "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw.
 
  "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
 
  "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
 
  The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
 
  "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
 
  The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
 
  The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all."
 
  "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.
 
  "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt so much."

 

[XCR1250]

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.  It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace'.

 

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.  She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.

 

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

 

The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.

 

The groom's mother fainted.

 

The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

 

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward.  What do you have to say?"

 

There was absolute silence in the church.

 

The woman replied, "We can't hear In the back."    

 

 

 

 

 

 

[XCR1250]

I bought a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."

It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[Frostynuts]

Good one. LOL

[ckf]